Three weeks.

{I hope the two smallest Olson girls forgive me for high jacking this little family blog, previous to now all posts revolved around sharing toddler antics and updates.}

I haven’t meant to leave anyone hanging, but honestly nothing relevant has been going on since I had that second surgery on the 17^thof October. It doesn’t do me much good to speculate on what I *think* will happen next, and although I’m pretty sure I know what is coming my way I will refrain from jumping to any conclusions. I do have an appointment with an endocrinologist tomorrow that should be quite telling in terms of staging and what the next couple of months will look like in terms of treatment, scans, etc. … so I am feeling both anxious and dreadful and hopeful about tomorrow and hopefully will leave feeling at least a small bit of direction for what comes next.

I also think that maybe it has taken me three weeks before I was prepared to sit down and write something because sitting down to write something means that I had to slow down and admit that this is actually happening to our family right now. It has been so much easier to just go on with each day as it was before I got that phone call three weeks ago today.  Some might call this “denial” or “avoidance,” but I guess I feel like at this point in the process.. at the “in between” stage that we are in where the surgery is complete and the diagnosis has been delivered but no treatment plan has been set.. I feel like someone in my position in the 'in between' has two choices: you can spend your time worrying and hemming and hawing about what might happen and letting that word "cancer.. cancer.. cancer" bounce around in your head and worrying what the future will bring, or you can spend that ‘in between’ time spending quality time thinking about and doing those things that keep you positive. Lucky for me, I have two EXTREMELY busy kiddos that have served as the ultimate positive distraction. To those of you who have offered to watch the girls for us, I promise there will be a time in the not-too-distant future where I will take you up on such an offer, but honestly right now their busy little lives have been a welcome distraction. I can honestly say that there are days where this whole cancer diagnosis doesn’t cross my mind until they are both asleep. I'm in a good and positive place, and feeling like, "Let's just get on with this treatment thing.."

Most often, I am asked how I am feeling. Right now, I feel fine. Not great.. just ‘fine.’ :) The surgeries were relatively uncomplicated and the recovery was as expected: it took a week or so, but eventually the range of motion in my neck was back. Even my scar is looking good, see:

This necklace was a gift from a great friend. It makes me smile.

The only physical thing keeping me in the “fine” category and not “good” or “great” has been the removal of my thyroid. This little gland is one of those things you cannot fully appreciate until it is gone, as it seems to control everything from energy level to metabolism to body temperature regulation. And while there are synthetic thyroid replacement medications, their half-life is long so it takes weeks and weeks to tweak dosages and get a person back to where they feel like themselves. For now, I have ‘good’ days and ‘fine’ days.. in general, my gas tank just runs out of gas earlier than usual. Instead of running at full-speed-ahead until my head hits the pillow at 1am, I have days where anything after 3pm is a challenge. Issac jokes that I am struggling with this because I now have to sleep "like a normal person." Previously, I ran consistently on about 5 hours of sleep.. but now my brain isn’t tired, but my body is exhausted. I have been drinking coffee like nobody’s business because it seems to help a bit. I am also thankful for my slow cooker, because I have been able to do some cooking early in the day while I still am running at full speed. {Please forward any favorite slow cooker recipes my way! I love soup, and feel that both fall and winter in Wisconsin are made for meals of soup& bread!}  Emotionally and mentally, I am really feeling good. I feel guilty about doing a poor job of responding to messages, phone calls, emails, USPS mail. I hope you all know how much your thoughts and kind words mean to me, the messages you have sent cross my mind at various points in this process and leave me feeling very supported.

I guess what I am saying is that I’m doing well right now.  I’m anticipating some rough patches ahead in December, and I get a little emotional and sad when I think that it will quite likely affect both our Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays, the very much anticipated wedding of some dear friends, and  the celebration of both Amelia & Issac’s birthdays. I know everyone understands, but this doesn't make the guilt any easier for me. 'Tis a busy time of year to throw some cancer into the mix..

I realize many of you have questions and I look forward to answering them (up next: “How did you know something was wrong? Should I be concerned about my own thyroid?” and “How fast did this all happen?”) but it is time for me to catch some sleep before these small people arise way too early tomorrow morning: daylight savings time is SO hard to explain to a one year old.

Much love and appreciation of your kind thoughts,

Nicole & Family